The Agonizing «Frailty» of Many Men
While I am no therapist, but am quite knowledgable on toxic, selfish human beings and outmoded ways of perceiving others, here are my thoughts on why «it was better to paint a picture of a frail man in agony than one who just didn’t love me» as read in Susan Kelley’s brilliant article «I Told People My Husband Was Dying Because That Was Better Than the Truth.»
This is in direct response to the former line quoted above.
I feel I know exactly why Susan chose to paint that picture to others. In a general (and very sad way) in 2020, we still live in a patriarchal society.
On the erring side of many men, this is still believed as an unshakeable truth, which works for them, and is fine.
On the erring side of many women (probably a lot of those «friends» of Susan’s who didn’t understand), they too have bought into the myth that you must «stand by your man.»
And that doesn’t work for them, and it’s not fine.
What is this, the 1950’s?
When a man gets a divorce, he is «eligible» again. The more women he has gone through, the more desirable and powerful he is considered to be (serial sex-addict Mick Jagger of «The Rolling Stones» for example).
This appeal and power, in my eyes, these men obtain by vampirically draining the life-force of the women they marry or date, greedily using their support to get fatter on the inside (and often outside), reducing «their» women to mere pretty props in their «exciting life».
Many businessmen and male politicians, especially.
To illustrate how patriarchy also works against some men, an example from my own life.
A very good friend of mine in his late forties complains (and rightly so) that when he tells prospective girlfriends he has never been married, and is currently unemployed and living with his parents because he is taking care of his dying father, most of them do one thing: disappear. They must think:
«Hmm…never been married. Still lives with his parents. Probably a serial killer. Unemployed? Definitely not the kind of guy who has money to take me out to dinner or buy me nice clothes or, like…buy a house, raise kids, even. I mean christ, he’s never even been divorced let alone married!»
He has, however, dated some emancipated women, who, as my friends, have told me he was a gentleman in the best sense of the word: an amazing lover, considerate, empathic, a friend, a true companion, hilarious, a brilliant story-teller, stoically faithful. The «ideal boyfriend.»
So what went wrong, I asked each of them in turn.
Apparently, he was too «nice».
Fact: the majority of women aren’t used to being treated nicely. It’s not that they don’t like it. The majority have never actually been truly heard, seen, valued or treated with respect. So it just feels… «weird». But it doesn’t stop there.
When a woman gets a divorce, the unforgiving maws of patriarchy consider that she has failed, both on the men’s side and on many women’s side, such as for example, Susan herself.
Correct me if I am wrong, Mrs. Susan Kelley, but did you or did you not, on many occasions believe that you were not deserving enough/dedicated enough/thin enough/pretty enough/a good enough lover in the chamber/a good enough mother/a good enough cook/interesting enough for his friends to like? That it was actually, really your fault?
If so, there.
That was you playing out the internalized edicts of patriarchy, «kindly» propagated by, for example, so many «women’s» magazines among, as we shall see, other culprits.
The indoctrination of young girls starts at an early age.
First come the Disney films, and the myth of the dashing Prince rescuing the Princess from «spinsterhood» or danger, or life in general.
The woman as weak, simpering, needing care.
The man as strong, virile, providing care.
Then by adolescence come the glossy teen magazines, continuing the insidious job of making young, already insecure girls feel «incomplete» without make-up and nice hair and clothes and boyfriends.
Again: of themselves, not enough.
By the time these girls turn into women, many of them have never been single for more than a year, I’ll bet. And when they are: that’s not good. They get depressed.
Simply because, whereas a single man is «up for grabs» and «desirable,» a single woman is is perceived by both men and too many women themselves as «unlovable.» «Broken.»
What’s wrong with me?
By then, they have already entered the market as «consumers.» They earn a salary. They read «women’s» magazines.
And so the fashion industry further compounds the myth, parading the «enviable» life of supermodels – many of whom are anorexic, bulimic or cocaine-addicted to keep their jobs – and «nice clothes» as worn by those «sexy girls» (whose bodies are about as sexy, for the non-pedophile majority, as those of twelve-year olds.)
When you «painted [that] picture» you weren’t lying at all, Susan.
In your sentence, quoted at the beginning of my article, you have told a great truth: a man who still thinks a woman is a housewife is, ultimately, «a frail man in agony.»
You were never «lying» to begin with. Your husband was just that: a frail man in agony.
You never failed.
You never faulted.
Because: you never gave up on yourself.
Congratulations!
Unfortunately, you were simply yet another victim of a disgustingly patriarchal world whose tentacles are so enmeshed in both men and women’s subconscious, that it seems as if that myth is a reality. For too many women/young girls, it still is. With the correct reach and information, we can help end this!
