Dear Kim,
Your article left me feeling a knot in my throat, and I’ll tell you why. In response to this paragraph, allow me to share a personal story about nursing homes. My father passed away in November 2019 at the age of 76.
With Parkinson’s and Diabetes, and a liver over-taxed by years of drinking, we my mother, sister and I watched him waste away as his prime carers. We ourselves grappled with the nursing home, and put it off until the last minute. In late 2018 he nearly died from organ failure, and we had even started to say our goodbyes.
However, in December he miraculously recovered, and the hospital “packed” him back home.
From that point on, he was largely bedridden, and what little autonomy he had, he ceased having. Special diet. Bathing, shaving and nappy changes — these last ones fell on me, as my mother and sister could not lift him.
Around may, he could no longer even sit up to eat, and my work schedule didn’t allow me to do the heavy lifting, which my mother and sister could not do.
That’s where the nursing home came in. Now, you say you will only do so when your mother truly no longer has any recollections. This was not the case with my father, and I was the one who broke the news to him. I went with him in the ambulance, and he cried all the way. So did I. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. E-ver.
Over the next six months, he progressively gave up more and more every day. Whatever little joys he had before his hospitalization, and even some after, were whittled away. He died from internal hemorrhaging due to his cirrhosis, but there is, however, a statistic I researched which you should know: anywhere up to 90% of people who are put into nursing homes do not usually make it past their sixth month.
Whether this refers to Alzheimer’s patients or not, I do not know. I would imagine they might be less aware.
My heart goes out to you, Kim, it truly does; to your sisters, and of course to your mother. Life is very hard for us carers, when we truly care.
I have one suggestion and one “must” for you.
“The “must” is a book everyone should read, but now, especially you. I wish it had been available to me before my father’s passing. “The Beginner’s Guide to the End,” by the incredible BJ Miller and Shoshanna Berger. I really advise you to get it. I am in no way affiliated to advertise it. It is what I think your family may benefit from from now on.
It’s not just an emotional balm: it is actually a practical manual both for those aware their time is limited (which is not yet the case for your mother), but especially for carers, with essential resources specific to America or the UK depending on where you are and which edition you buy.
The suggestion, which might bring you some comfort, is an article I wrote shortly after my father’s passing. It speaks about my last few months with him, and how it affected my life.
My mother is now starting to have memory problems, with the beginnings of dementia. It is still in the early stages, but we all know where it will end, sadly.
This is why your essay pulled my heartstrings. Much strength, dear Kim. Much love. And an important fact: carers, more than anyone, need to practice self-care, in order to successfully care.
Love,
P.
