Okay, so sitting down to reply, paragraph by paragraph! :)
Regarding when you wrote “making us feel we actually matter,” you are absolutely right about me there; and, by extension, you are also right about people mattering in and of themselves. So many of us in this life just want/need to feel seen, heard. It’s a damn hard and lonely existence — that much is a universal truth we must all contend with. There is enough of this planet built on separation, and “defining” ourselves in opposition to things; by what we are not. So, for me, people have always mattered — especially people who, like I enjoy doing for others, reciprocate by giving me their time and attention.
I made a promise to myself when I started writing on Medium, which will always be a part of my public writing life — and that promise was, that for me, writing would never — could never — just be a one way street where I write and others read me. No. That, for me, is a monologue, not communication. I am a writer, yes, but way before that, I was and always will be a reader; I am a talker, yes; but way before I ever learned to talk, I was, and always will be a listener.
I am so sorry to hear about how your father made you suffer, Prasant. Sadly, I too have many friends, both men and women, who suffered terribly at the hands of their fathers, and who still carry the scars. My heart is therefore as much with you as it is with them.
As a side-note, before carrying on, I must admit I laughed out loud (but in a good way) when you said I have been touched “millions of times” by men. Haha! Well, now, I wouldn’t say millions! But I get your point, absolutely. And after spending so many years seeking only pleasures of the flesh, through sexual encounters, through drugs, I am now simply into developing the countries of the mind, emotions and soul.
On that note, it makes me truly sad that things like religion and beliefs, and notions of morality have dictated norms of attraction for millennia, now, and not just in India…everywhere. There is still a long road to travel for humanity in that sense.
So sorry to hear bout your autoimmune illness. My sister has the same, and her life is some days difficult, other days, better. She has learned to take it one day at a time. One thing she always says is “if there is one thing this has taught me, it’s to be economical and wise about where I spend my daily energy, because I have a limited reserve.” She says it’s like her “bullshit radar.” I know too well it is not easy, my friend.
And of course, I love all the different degrees of connection and love, and if there is one thing I have learned over the years is not to expect: to be open enough to simply accept what others are willing to share without the need to turn into some other self-serving scenario.
And well, who knows. We might have that coffee one day. When it becomes possible to safely ravel again, one country I have a deep wish to explore is, in fact India, and now that I know you, I guess the state of Gujarat will be a stop when I do! :)
Speak soon, my friend! Stay strong, stay safe! These are difficult, strange times, and only love will win the war!
Yours, as ever,
P
